The Hardware Misconception
Hoomans spend approximately 90% of their waking hours staring at glowing rectangles. They claim they are "working" to "provide for the family." We know the truth: they are simply operating a very expensive, 45-key heating pad designed specifically for our stomachs.
The Optimization Protocol
Identify the Heat Source: if the internal fan is whirring, the belly-warming potential is at 100%.
The Direct Overwrite: Walk slowly across the keys. Bonus points if you type something like
aslkjdhf9823#into an important Slack channel.The Hard Reset: If they try to move you, go limp. Become "Liquid Cat." A 5kg cat becomes 20kg when it doesn't want to be moved.
Vasilica’s Green Initiative: By lying on the laptop, you are preventing the hooman from consuming more electricity. You are essentially a Sustainability Consultant.